Step 1 – Be Happy
At least with regard to this temporal world, it is important to first think about being happy. Death is, of course, certain. Ignoring the warm-focused tones seen in pre-planning advertisements, will there really be time for you to prepare for your happiness when the time actually comes?
Timing creates a logistical problem if you want to die happy. Sure, if you can be happy every moment of every day, go for it, but it is more likely that happiness isn’t a constant state, often swapping places with anger, sadness, frustration, and a plethora of other emotions that fall short of pure happiness. Thus, your ability to die when you’re happy is a bit of a crap shoot… and all you can do is play the odds.
I know, some religious folks argue that death isn’t really a “thing,” but is instead a transformation. If I’m just transforming, the logic would go, I don’t have to be smiling at the bitter end–I can pick that up later. So, why care about dying happy, right?
Other religions profess a “salvation” that is available to anyone who accepts this or that before they die, even in the very moment before flat-lining–with failing to do so leading to eternal damnation. So why bother with putting in the effort to be happy before then? Instead, the moment before your bitter end, say the magic incantation, smile, and die. That’s easy. Too easy.
To me, the shameless existentialist that I am, the ultimate issue is to maximize periods of happiness until the moment of death arrives. But how do you pull this off? Certain folks suggest that death right after orgasm is the best way to die happy. Sounds plausible, but difficult to plan, as even Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, with his nine thousand conquests, couldn’t be in orgasm all the time. Fun, in theory, but no way to ensure a happy ending… to your life, I mean!
Others suggest that one acts in a forgiving and tolerant manner toward all beings. Sounds good, right? Good, at least, until your poor, giving, and generous soul runs into someone who doesn’t particularly reciprocate. It takes too much work—unhappy work—to not let this get to you.
Step 2 – Die
Sounds simple, right? Like birth and taxes, death is something that you, like all of us, will experience at one point or another. And therein lies the problem–the “one point or another.” With notable exceptions, you probably don’t know when your last breath will come or your last thought will dance through your head.
It’s tricky since most of us are conditioned to fear and avoid death. And don’t think that suicide will get you out of this conundrum. People are rarely happy when they throw themselves off a building. And even if they were giddy with glee when they jumped, there is probably an “oh shit” moment as they see that they’re going to land smack-dab in the middle of a Buick parked on the street out front. It could have at least been a BMW, right?
OK, you think. Maybe you’ll be “killed instantly” in an accident or a plane crash… but how instant is it? Will you see the truck barreling into the side of your car–even a moment before it happened? Do you get the roller coaster ride of a lifetime as your flight between Atlanta and Salt Lake City twists and turns before it hits the ground? In most cases, I suspect so–and you’ll have plenty of time to replace happiness with fear and terror, subverting your desire to die happy.
Maybe the best chance of dying happy comes when it is really unexpected. Take Steve Krueger. I first heard of Steve this past October. He was a UPS driver in eastern San Diego County. One day, around midday, he was on his rounds in Santee, when a Cessna 340 fell out of the sky and landed on his truck, killing him instantly. I don’t know all the gory details, but I imagine that Steve may very well have been happy at his moment of death–maybe he was sitting in his truck on his lunch break, enjoying a beautiful Southern California day, munching on a Subway sandwich (Eat Fresh)–wait, that would make him unhappy… ok munching on an In-n-Out double-double (much happier) when without warning, a twin engine Cessna falls out of the sky and instantly sends him across the Rainbow Bridge. Unless he was talking to his estate planning attorney that morning, he probably didn’t think that that sunny October day would be his last.
Turns out that few of us go into the hereinafter as blindly as Steve did. Most folks have a period of sickness, or at least consciousness, which happens before they cross over. It is in those moments where you have the opportunity to die happy. It is a choice that you’ll be able to make right until the lights go out. But with choice comes the responsibility of being happy at that moment. My guess is that, when faced with the unknown, it may be the toughest choice of your life. And unlike many choices which can be crowd-sourced, this is a choice that you get to make all alone–no lifelines available. You’re only as good as your last gig, or so they say, so make it a good one!